thoughts on marriage.

I met Cori in August 2009.  At the time, I had no idea how important that cute boy at the Bulldog would become.

In August 2010, Cori had just gotten back from spending two months in Ecuador, and our conversations turned from if we would get married, to when we would get married.

In August 2011, Cori and I were newly married and embarking on a brand new season of life.  We had left behind our schools (Cori, as a master's student, me as a teacher), our homes, our friends, our favorite restaurants- pretty much everything familiar- to move to Tampa for Cori's fellowship job with the CDC.

And it was hard.  Really, really hard.  The conglomeration of that many changes at once was stressful and infused a huge dose of reality into our newlywed bliss.  I remember one of our first few days in Tampa.  At that point, we were spending our days driving around Tampa, trying to find a home to rent.  In an effort to save money, we had recently downgraded from a Holiday Inn to a Super 8.  Cori and I had gotten into a fight about something- what, I have no clue now, except that I'm sure it was something completely inconsequential- and I was sitting outside our little room, staring across the parking lot of the Super 8.  I was hot, homesick, and irritated.  I thought something along the lines of, "Is this marriage?"

Fast forward a year to now, August 2012.  I've journeyed far as a wife in the past year, gaining perspective and wisdom.  And what I've learned is this- yes, that lonely night at the Super 8 is marriage.  It's not what marriage is intended to be of course, but as Cori and I live life on this fallen earth, those moments of despair are just as much a reality of marriage as the giggly, can't-stop-grinning-because-I-love-Cori-so-much moments.  

Marriage is beautiful and wonderful, but it is also a tool that Jesus uses to sanctify us.  When Cori and I were engaged, we heard the phrase (I believe from The Sacred Marriage) that 'marriage is about your holiness, not your happiness.'  That truth pretty much rocked me.  For example, I've seen my selfishness in a whole new light this past year.  I mean, I always knew I was selfish, but sharing my life so intimately with someone else has made that so much more clear... but it's also forced me to deal with it, to examine myself, to repent before Cori and the Lord, and to make some real changes.  And that, my friends, is beautiful.  

I've also learned that my marriage isn't going to work when I depend on Cori to meet my needs.  The reality is, despite the fact that I married a wonderful, kind, servant-hearted man, he can never be the one to fulfill me.  That's Jesus' place, and His alone.  Bit by bit, I'm learning to seek satisfaction from the Lord, so that I can love my husband selflessly and without expectations of what I can get out of the deal.

I've loved so much of the last 3 years with Cori.  The excitement of the pursual, the joy of falling in love, the giddiness of engagement.  And now?  I love him more deeply than ever.  I love him with the depth that comes from commitment, from fighting through those nights at the Super 8, from spending the day doing chores around the house, from dancing around the kitchen, and from falling asleep with him beside me every night.  Marriage isn't always easy- but it is always, always worth fighting for.